


Je t'aime

by akillersteele



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: Asking myself why though, Endless thoughts, F/F, Hurt, No respite, Sad, Sudden inspiritational bug burst, inquisitive, no comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 14:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18896056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akillersteele/pseuds/akillersteele
Summary: Location: ParisA random hotel roomSilence, no words are spoken out loud. But that doesn't cease thoughts from coming and going.Kat and Adena's thought process immediately after their inconclusive talk.





	Je t'aime

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies beforehand. I was suddenly struck by lightning in the form of inspiration. This is the after-shock. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own The Bold Type. No claim on the show or its characters, whatsoever.  
> Simply borrowing for a little while so I can make them hurt. 
> 
> Well, hope you like it. Mistakes are all mine.

* * *

 

**Location: Paris**

Helplessness wasn’t a feeling Kat was overly familiar with.

She had always been a go-getter – rushing into a situation head on, prepared to fight. Consequences were something to be dealt when presented with.

But she was in a bind about what to do when fallout was already in effect, with no right way to significantly salvage something – anything at all – from the debris amassing around her.

No, helplessness and inaction wasn’t something Kat understood.

The sole reason why they were in Paris pulled her out from drowning deep into the gradual, brutal – almost purposefully conscious – detritus racking up in her heavy chest.Time wasn’t on her side, and she most definitely had to get moving.

Paralyzing fear stared back at her, making her skin crawl. Feeling a stranger in her own being, she breathed shakily – the weight in her chest adamant on pushing her down, rendering her motionless.

Forcing herself into move, she swiveled and pulled open the bathroom door. Dismay arrested her already fragile heart when she didn’t see Adena anywhere in sight.

In the next second though, as she was so attuned to Adena’s presence, without any conscious thought, her gaze sought out the small balcony of their hotel room. There hunched over the waist high wall, Adena was. Silently, she observed her girlfriend’s profile – slumped, defeated, and surprisingly small.

It was painfully jolting to see the confident, unapologetic, and proud woman in such a state. The urge to rush and gather Adena in her arms, soothe away the pain and hurt, was excruciating – the burden of which kept her rooted to spot, unmoving.

She almost lost her footing when Adena suddenly turned and their eyes met.

                   

* * *

* * *

 

  _“Turns out, with you I can’t do it halfway.”_ The belying honesty of that phrase played on loop in Aden’s mind. _Halfway_ – never before had a single word cut deeper.

Frustrated, she pushed off the table and chucked her jacket mindlessly over the bed. Her head was hurting, so she undid her hijab and let the bun loose. Feeling as if the four walls would soon close on her, she wrapped the silk cloth over her head loosely and walked out to the balcony.

Kat’s words about her having more freedom and producing more work, when their relationship opened up taunted her to acknowledge the truth, prompting deeper inquisition behind her intent in suggesting that Kat explore her sexuality with other women.

She did want Kat to learn more of what was out there, but a shameful part of her admitted to the relief she had felt. The thought of Kat sleeping with someone who wasn’t her, had definitely hurt, a lot, but she was able to look beyond it fairly easily – by approaching it as logically as possible.

A little bit of breathing room for herself prompted the creatively sluggish, dormant part of her into action and she directed every single feeling into her art.

As long as she could remember, she had been a nomad, transient, an unfulfilled soul that was constantly on the move – wherever wind took her in search of beauty and inspiration.

In hindsight, she realized that since that first love, she had deliberately sought out relationships that didn’t tear her open, or require more emotional investment than she was ready to offer. Ruefully, she concluded that in fact she had been loving people halfway. In doing so, the dissatisfied wanderer in her could keep seeking outside beauty to capture, to feel alive.

Kat was different. She changed it all – offering more than Adena had the right to ask for. Effortlessly kind, thoughtful, and immensely trusting – Kat anchored Adena to the physical reality around her. For the first time, she wasn’t floating just a few inches above the ground’s surface, ever ready to take wing toward a new adventure.

Because with Kat – stability, absolute acceptance, and unadulterated love – was her new, ongoing adventure. Hence, the nomadic started to dream of settling down, staying, and putting down roots. It was exhilarating and thrilling in the beginning.

The fear of losing herself came a little later. Her soul, whose endless hunger she used to feed with creativity, began to surrender – contentedly fed for life.

It was terrifying enough to make Adena question her innate identity, her passion for photography, her art. Was she incapable of being creative by being hopelessly in love and utterly happy?

She knew she was wrong in not sharing her fears with Kat. So when her girlfriend had confessed about her dream and kiss with another woman, Adena had suggested opening up their relationship. It was twisted, almost devious but unsurprisingly, that little space, that distance had woken up her restless wanderer and she was inspired to create. Feeling like her old self, after so long.

She had no idea how to sort out the war between her two halves that wanted completely different things.

Having space, a little distance, would give her scope to be creative and Kat would still be in her life. A very prominent, more selfish part of her wanted exactly that. It was familiar, and if it were to happen, she would be Adena – the acclaimed lesbian, muslim photographer. The identity she had worked tirelessly and extremely hard to carve out for herself – the only identity she had known forever. Was she really so wrong in wanting to cling to what was known and safe?

Contrarily, the other half of her wanted to be forever anchored to Kat and be blissfully happy – unequivocally in love, with no care to photography or her individuality. Kat would be her everything, her reason to exist and live and love.

Adena never imagined falling in love would lead her to have an identity crisis – one bigger than realizing she was a lesbian during her early teen years. She had no idea which part of her needed reconciliation or which part needed to be abandoned. The notion of redefining herself, her dreams, her profession, her passion was – in a word – paralyzing.

Above all, despite of what she was struggling with, she knew with absolute certainty that she loved Kat – like she had never loved another and surely never would, rather could.

A warmth, she was too used to, washed over her, and she knew she was being observed. Without wasting any second, she turned.

The sight that greeted Adena made her shudder. Kat was exquisite and ethereal – a surreal beauty, unparalleled by anything she could ever capture. Terror painfully squeezed her insides when fleetingly she thought she would give up photography, her passion for the gorgeous human being standing before her. Adena’s flailing individuality fought that thought hard, silencing her declaration of utter devotion, rendering her mute.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Silence between them was a chasm getting deeper and deeper with every second. Indecision and uncertainty left them unmoving, speechless.

Kat couldn’t take it anymore. She had to get out of the stifling quiet before she broke down. She turned to leave.

“Kat.”

Adena’s tremulous utterance of her name chipped away another piece of her. She didn’t stop, she couldn’t afford to collapse. She was needed elsewhere; she had a job to do. Pushing her shoulders back and holding her head high, she walked out – feeling disgustingly cruel.

Adena’s legs gave underneath her, as soon as Kat’s back disappeared. Silent tears weren’t enough anymore. She simply let go, her whole body shaking as she sobbed uncontrollably. Never in her life had she felt so helpless.

No, helplessness was not a feeling Adena liked.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.  
> Right now, a one-shot.  
> If the lightning strikes again, maybe I will add a chapter to this.  
> For now, this is what it is.


End file.
